she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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