If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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