Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I love you. Go after that dick
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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