I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
