my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
