Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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