I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
