I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
