Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
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