Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
