the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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