Who wears a wallet chain?!
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He felt like a one man threesome
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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