seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
