You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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