ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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