there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
