woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
