Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Four minutes until I can fart!
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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