I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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