My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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