seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
A+ Viking dick
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