I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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