textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
