i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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