dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
