I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
BRING THE BAGELS
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
