3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
