she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
