Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
why do cheetos always look like penises
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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