just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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