The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
