shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
it's like heaven, but drunker
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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