YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
