Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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