yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
