I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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