I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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