is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
