oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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