Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I need to wash the frat house off of me
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
