dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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