I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
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