hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
