I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
