i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
