She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Randomize
