I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
