it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
This is my gift to your gina
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
