just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
