He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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