the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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