all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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