You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
